


Blackberries in Porcelain

by Yukio



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 08:43:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11181141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yukio/pseuds/Yukio
Summary: Remus has a crush on Sirius, but Sirius is struggling with his own unrequited love.





	1. Me

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story probably 10 years ago, but even after such a long time I still like it and I wanted to add it to my archive. It was inspired by the song Blackberries in Porcelain by Slovak singer Zuzana Smatanová.

_Ou, how I know how to lie to myself…_

_In a little feeling that I pretend_

_Ou, how I know how to lie to myself_

_Like the taste of blackberries in porcelain_

_Blackberries in porcelain_

            Remus noticed a long time ago that the way Sirius looked at James was painfully similar to the way James looked at Lily. And he soon realized he looked at Sirius the same way himself. Whenever Sirius looked at his best friend, there wasn’t only friendship in his eyes; Remus could recognize gentleness that belonged only to James. Remus wondered whether his own eyes reflected the same when looking at Sirius, but he didn’t doubt there was a great deal of pain, because every time he saw such a look in Sirius’ grey eyes, it hurt him terribly. Caught in his fantasies on one hand and pushing them away on the other, he was trying hard to hide his feelings for Sirius.

He knew it was wrong the way they both felt. It was wrong for Remus to want more than friendship from Sirius, and even that was more than he was allowed to desire, because monsters like him didn’t have friends… didn’t deserve them. It was wrong for Sirius to long for James, because James liked Lily which was what caused Sirius heartache and seeing Sirius’ suffering made Remus’ desperation and craving for him almost unbearable.

It happened one day: James and Sirius were planning some prank, whispering and laughing quietly. Suddenly, Remus’ name was spoken, but the werewolf pretended he hadn’t heard anything.

‘… will we tell him?’ James’ quiet voice reached his sharp ears and made him tremble with excitement.

‘Remus?’ Sirius’ soft voice replied and a tiny bit of annoyance was distinguishable in it. ‘If we tell Remus, we’ll have to tell Peter as well, and he’d do more harm than good.’

James was thinking about it for a while. ‘True,’ he admitted, ‘but I’d like to have Remus there…’

‘As you wish, we can ask him,’ said Sirius dryly, looking at Remus over his shoulder, trying to hide his disappointment.

‘Remus, do you wanna go do some mischief with us tonight?’ James asked him cheerfully, not noticing Sirius’ unwillingness.

For Remus it was obvious. He had already learned to read Sirius’ face.

‘Is Peter going, too?’ he asked, knowing the answer already.

‘No, just the three of us.’

‘In that case, I’ll stay with him,’ he declined politely with a fake smile, noticing a flicker of joy in Sirius’ eyes and he knew very well what it meant and understood.

_I like him just as a friend,_ he tried to convince himself, ignoring the blunt pain in his chest.


	2. We

_Ou, how we know how to lie to ourselves_

_That sticky trail of everyone_

_Ou, how we know how to lie to ourselves_

_‘bout the taste of blackberries in porcelain_

_Blackberries in porcelain_

            Remus didn’t like Valentine’s Day for an understandable reason, because the number of happy couples rapidly increased. They were sharing smiles and kisses and doing all the sweet stuff anywhere they could be seen. Remus found it more than annoying and he preferred spending the day in the dormitory. 

            ‘Hey, guys! Peter’s asking whether we’re going to Hogsmeade,’ James said, coming to the dormitory, looking at Sirius in expectation.

            ‘What for? There’ll be only snogging couples today… not much fun,’ answered Sirius, not too happy about the suggestion.

            ‘Oh… OK,’ James looked surprised that Sirius turned down the idea so quickly. ‘Remus?’

            ‘Sorry, but I don’t like Valentine’s Day, you know. I’d make the perfect couple with some book,’ he gave his friend a grin.

            ‘What’s so bad about Valentine’s Day?’ James didn’t want to give up.

            ‘It’s girly,’ said Sirius and frowned a little. ‘Everyone acts insane on this day. All that stupid giggling and couples kissing in the corridors, hearts and cupids… oh, man! How it gets on my nerves!’

            Remus secretly agreed with Sirius. Though he didn’t think he would have minded if there had been an exact someone wanting to spend the day with him the way couples did.

            ‘As you wish,’ James shrugged. ‘I’m going with Peter alone, then.’

            ‘You’re going?’ Sirius asked unbelievingly. He obviously didn’t expect James to have any interest in something Sirius had called ‘girly’, but Remus knew that was exactly the case why James wanted to go.

            ‘Is Lily going there, too?’ he asked just to make the things clear.

            James blushed and laughed nervously. ‘Probably.’

            ‘Good luck,’ Remus smiled at him, watching Sirius stealthily. His friend didn’t smile and Remus saw deep disappointment in his eyes.

‘Thanks,’ James grinned again and hurried after Peter.

‘I hate Valentine’s Day,’ growled Sirius, throwing himself on his bed, apparently in a bad mood.

‘You’re right, it’s girly,’ agreed Remus, finally finding some book to read.

‘It’s stupid.’

‘The stupidest.’


	3. Blackberries in Porcelain

_I used to draw something black_

_Something blue, something sad…_

That night was full of pain… and anger… and madness. He longed for warm human blood, beautifully red and sweet as a kiss. Sharp fangs wanting to tear fresh flesh were buried into soft hairy body, pain hidden behind madness. Blood dripping from the wound appeared black in the darkness.

            Black heart bleeding red.

            Amber-brown eyes looking at the blue sky. Aching body curled up under sheets. Heart aching even more with sadness.

 

_What was white now is red_

_Little smile for Mr. Ted_

            Remus staggered to the bathroom. Taking off his clothes, he glanced into the big mirror hanging on a wall. His pale skin resembled cold, cruel moonlight, his body covered with many scars like the surface of the Moon. He was a Moon-child. Marked with the new bloody-red scar on his side. Wolf teeth imprinted into his skin… like a taunt to his human side.

            He smiled sourly at the reflection in the mirror before his nails violently scratched the scar, the mark of his shame. Blood coloured his white fingers red and he wondered what colour his heart was.

 

_Look at me through the glass_

_Who am I? And what ‘bout that mess?_

            ‘Remus…’

            Soft, beautiful voice made him recoil. His surprised gaze wandered to the mirror.

            Grey eyes were watching him worriedly, sadness written in the face that should have been happy.

            No reproach. Just two strong arms wrapped around him.

            He closed his eyes tightly to avoid looking into the mirror. If he did, it would be real, not a fantasy anymore. The two of them – a treasurable memory – he wanted it and feared it… His fingers tried to scratch the wound again in desperation.

            Sirius grabbed his hand, preventing him from causing more harm to his body. It hurt terribly inside, but he didn’t dare to move.

            ‘I promise it won’t take long. We’ll come soon. We need just a bit more time to practice. But we’ll come for sure. You won’t be alone. Wait just a little longer…’ quiet, velvety voice talked to him in a soothing tone. He shivered as it tickled his ear, but his eyes were still closed. ‘It will be soon, I promise…’

            His heart was beating so fast he thought it would jump out of his chest. He wanted that memory, wanted that moment to imprint into his mind. It was worth the pain. He wanted it as badly as he wanted Sirius to never let him go.

            He made up his mind, prepared for the pain it would cause him. He took a deep breath...

 

_How could it taste that I can’t possess?_

 

            ‘What are you doing?’ sounded a clear voice from behind their backs.

            Arms around him loosened their grip.

            His eyes opened as he wanted to look around, but the hand gripping his wrist pulled him back, black fabric of Sirius’ robes wiping the blood from his fingers.

            ‘Remus didn’t feel well,’ said Sirius, hiding the werewolf’s injured side from James’ sight.

            ‘Are you in pain?’ asked James with the interest of a true friend.

            ‘It’s getting better,’ Remus replied, giving him a small smile while he felt a gentle rub of the fabric of the robes against his wound. He glanced into the mirror. Sirius wasn’t holding him anymore; he even stepped away from him. His eyes flashed with shame as though he was caught by something he didn’t want James to see.

            James obviously didn’t notice.

            ‘Are you sure you’re all right?’ he asked, concerned.

            Remus smiled at him reassuringly. ‘Yeah, I just need a hot shower,’ he replied, turning sideways a bit to prevent James from seeing his wound.

            ‘Fine then,’ James said. ‘We’ll wait outside.’ James knew Remus didn’t like company in the showers after a full moon. ‘Just don’t be too long. We want to take a shower, too,’ he added and, followed by Sirius, he left Remus alone in the bathroom.


	4. You

_Ou, how you know how to lie to yourself_

_In a little feeling you can’t pretend_

_Ou, how you know how to lie to yourself_

_You’ve never tasted blackberries in porcelain_

_Blackberries in porcelain_

            ‘Guess what,’ said James, cheerful and obviously satisfied with something, when he joined his three friends in the common room.

            ‘What?’ Sirius asked, giving him a suspicious sort of look.

            James’ face shone like the morning sun. ‘I’m going out with Lily!’

            After the words were spoken, Remus noticed the reflection of deep sadness in Sirius’ eyes. It was just for a split second, but Remus could still see it.  Though, James didn’t notice anything as usual.

            It was Sirius who first spoke.

            ‘Wow! You got her at last.’

            He grinned at James and patted his shoulder, joking as ever, even though nothing of that was true.

            James was talking about Lily the whole time and Remus heard Sirius’ heart breaking.

 

 

Thanks for reading! Don't be shy and visit me on [tumblr](https://yukiothecollielover.tumblr.com/) ;)


End file.
